How about downgrading 'Great Satan' to 'Cheeky Imp'?

As a card-carrying Yankee gringo devil and a loyal minion of the Great Satan, I am somewhat disheartened to learn that “the martyr-nurturing nation of Iran” is not prepared to abandon its feisty slogan “Death to America!” But I am encouraged by Iranian president Hassan Rouhani’s assurance that we shouldn’t take it personally. (Erm, how should we take it?) I think we might be excused if we find the “good cop, bad cop” routine of President Rouhani and main dude Ali Khamenei (affectionately known to legions of Americans as “Old Dirtbag”) just a tad confusing.

We Yankee cannibals, vampires and genocidal maniacs could easily retaliate in kind, with bellicose slogans like “Death to Iran!”, “Annihilate the Ayatollah!” and “Piss on the Persians!” But that would be impolite, and we are far too lofty-minded to descend into vulgar slagging matches.

“Death to America!” is a slogan even more ancient than “Amazing Thailand”. It is badly in need of updating. In recognition of the nuclear agreement recently signed by our two great nations, may I suggest a downsizing of Iranian rhetoric? Some possibilities: “Injury to America!”, “Bites and scratches to America!”, “Slight setbacks to America!”, “A few minor inconveniences to America!” And, best of all, “A slap on the wrist with a wet noodle to America!”

Thus adding nuance to their vitriol, Iranians could demonstrate their sophistication in the art of invective and score impressive psychological points over their inveterate foe. Keep nurturing those martyrs, Iranians: we need more of them.

Ye Olde Pedant